Beauty from Ashes

Beauty from Ashes

Isaiah 61:3New Living Translation (NLT)3 

To all who mourn in Israel,[a]
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Just my thoughts.

Isaiah is probably one of my favorite books. A beautiful story of restoration and about Gods goodness and mercy. When ever I have read this verse I have always pictured the "beauty from ashes" part almost like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Starting new life in the place of what was. But I don't think that is what is being talked about here. 

If we look at other areas where ashes were used, its clear that it was an outward representation of the inward mourning of people

Esther 4:1

 When Mordecai learned about all that had been done, he tore his clothes, put on burlap and ashes, and went out into the city, crying with a loud and bitter wail.

2nd Samuel 13:19

9 But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands, she went away crying.

In my opinion here, God is telling us that there is beauty even in our mourning. That someday, we will see the good that comes from what we are going through. Its just a matter of letting Him have the time to work this all together for our good.

"Conversations With A Pedophile".

Wouldn't the world be a wonderful place if there was never a need for a book like the one I just read? No need because there were no pedophiles to study. No need because these crimes against children never occurred. No need because the very thought would be unimaginable. But we don't live in that world. Sexual abuse of children is very real, very pervasive, and very much needs to be brought out in to the open.

It's such an uncomfortable topic isn't it? To ever imagine the unthinkable happening to children...any children...our children...my children. The topic alone is enough to make me want to close my laptop, turn off the light and cuddle up to my sleeping four year old, and thank God that it has not happened to either of my boys (ages 7&4). But God doesn't call us to live sanitary, comfortable lives. This is something that can not be ignored, because to ignore the topic of sexual abuse is to put our own children in very real danger.

I sense that God has been moving me more and more into a position to fight this evil. To bring healing to men and women who have suffered abuse with Gods power and help. Not on my own strength, that is very evident. But through the people I am meeting, the classes I am taking in school, and the books and documentaries I have been studying. And so here are my thoughts, on the book "Conversations With A Pedophile".  It was written by a therapist named Dr. Amy Zabin, and is a collection of the letters, phone calls and in person meetings that she had with one individual for over ten years, who in the book is named "Alan". He was caught after almost 45 years of sexually assaulting children, all boys between the ages of 5-13, and it is estimated that they number over 1,000.

  I want to stop here and make sure that it is clear that I will do my best to keep this blog post as "comfortable" as possible. But the topic is one that can be very disturbing so I want to offer that warning here. The following thoughts are all in my own words, but are based off of my reading of the book I have previously mentioned. I will also use the language of pedophile and "he" but it should be remembered that child abusers are not limited to men.

This book is unlike any other that I have read, in that what really goes on in the mind of a pedophile is exposed. What caught me completely off guard was the fact that "Alan" began to offend against younger children at the age of 6 years old. He was not sexually abused but describes his home life as one that was completely devoid of love or attention. This is not to say that all children who come from this background grow up to become like him, but merely that he accredits this to his feeling of being alone and "different".

I will not get into an entire review of the book, but anyone who I am friends with is welcome to borrow my copy. I will give the warning however, that it is very shocking, jarring and offensive to read. It contains letters from "Alan" describing how he groomed these young boys, and even the atrocities that he committed in some cases. It also explores the background of the author, Dr. Amy Zabin, and talks about her own sexual abuse as a child. There are a few chapters in the back that are very helpful for parents to read and that is mostly what I will cover here. 

A pedophile does not simply grab a child and commit an offense. He spends months grooming a child, by stripping them of self respect, trust, and the ability to say no. Read that sentence again. The pedophiles goal is to get your child to the point where they truly believe that they have no power to say no.

 In the book, "Alan" would slowly gain the friendship and trust of children and their parents, to where it became completely normal for him to have excuses to spend time alone with them. As a boy scout leader, baby sitter and friend of the children's parents, the way he manipulated the situation is completely mind-blowing. In instance after instance the he recounts, he explains how he would get the church, community and parents to actually get to the point to where they begged him to lead the boy scout group, or be involved in the youth group or as a baby sitter. These offenders will go to any length to get what they want, and to make the parents believe that he is completely harmless. 

"Alan" explains his process completely in the book. It is sickening to read and to think that there are people like this out there. But there are, and they are the people you would least expect. It could be the deacon at your church, the english teacher at your kids school, your sons boy scout leader, or an older child in your neighborhood. This is not to say that anyone who is in a position of leader ship should not be trusted. I just want to stress that someone who is in a position of leader ship should not be trusted ONLY because they are in a position of leadership. I read in the news this week of a pediatric oncologist in Houston who was arrested a few days for possession of child pornography. As parents we need to be vigilant in who is around our kids and in our gut feelings. If we feel uncomfortable with something, we have every right and responsibility to take the action we feel necessary. I would rather appear completely over protective than blindly trust someone and regret it.

With all of this information, what do we do? How do we protect our children? 

I am going to share what I do with my own children, and this is not a perfect "how to keep your kids safe" list by any means. These are simply the things that I have picked up on by being a mother and by studying what I do in school.

1. My kids have a very limited number of friends at who's house they are allowed to play at with out me present. I believe this list is three people. Any other time (and truthfully most of the time I am at the friends house with them.) I also have a very limited number of people who are allowed to babysit.

2. If my kids are playing outside in the front yard, they are in my sight at all times. Yes it's inconvenient. Yes it's hot. But 99% of the evenings, you will see my kids playing in our yard and me sitting on the porch, doing homework or watching them.

3. My kids are not allowed to play with children I do not know well. If we are at the park I make sure to keep a close eye on what is going on and what is being said. 

4. My children do not attend any kind of lesson, class or practice where they are simply dropped off. Kung fu summer camp? Mommy sits there for three hours. Horse back riding lesson? Mommy is in the barn. Piano lessons? Mommy is standing in the hallway watching. I may be accused of being over protective and I am ok with that. Even at church where my older son is dropped off with someone who is not family, there is always myself or another family member stopping in unexpectedly, and asking questions.

5. I completely monitor the tv, computer and games that my kids watch. They already know what few shows are allowed on tv, what few games are allowed in the house, and what website they are allowed on. (The computer is also kept in the living room, where all who walk by can see and hear what is going on.) Any deviation from what is allowed and they lose those privileges for the day. They hear the phrase often, "Its mommy's job to keep your ears and eyes safe".

6. As a single parent, there are times when my kids are spending the night with their father. We have had hour long conversations (he moves frequently) about who lives there, what friends come around and what activities are normally occurring. Their father does an excellent job of keeping them safe, and has educated himself on the topic of sexual abuse and how to prevent it.

7. My kids don't have sleep overs and most likely never will. Im sorry but there are too many variables there and I don't feel it is in their best interest. You never know when someone has an uncle, cousin or older friend also spending the night. Unfortunately there is also the fact that children who are abused tend to abuse others. In order to prevent any of that, we just don't do sleepovers.

8. Because of all of the above mentioned, I make sure our house is a super fun place to be, and I try to  (as much as possible) have the boys friends play at our house. This is why we have monkey bars in the bedroom, a climbing wall, a swimming pool and two trampolines. I am very strict with them but I still want them to have fun. Plus by having the boys at my house, I am free to listen in on any conversations going on. We also have a rule that bedroom doors stay open at all times. 

9. I think the biggest thing that we can do for our children is to listen to them. Every night ( well most every night) I ask the boys about their days. "What made you happy/sad/mad/scared today? Tell me about your favorite thing to do. Is there any thing you wish you could change etc." In the book this is the number one suggestion they give about keeping our children safe. 

"Alan" states, "I targeted victims who clearly showed that their communications network was failing them. I did this because I knew that in the pain and confusion of their abuse, they would have nowhere to turn for help. I knew that because I'd been there and stayed there. If parents can provide the same sounding board that I offered, then the children would have no possible need for the magic I sell. If a child feels accepted, respected, wanted and listened to at home, nothing I have to offer will prove appealing (Zabin,2003)."

10. And finally, I have and continue to have "the talk" with my kids about bad touch, who is allowed to see them with out clothing (mommy, daddy and their nana and thats it) and how they can tell me if anything ever happens and mommy won't get angry. I make sure to keep this as a dialogue and not just a one time event. I will ask them occasionally if anyone has done something that made them feel funny or uncomfortable. Bottom line, I want to keep the lines of communication open.

So there you have it. I know it was very long and I know it didn't cover much at the same time. If anyone ever wants to discuss this topic please contact me. And if you yourself have been a victim, please know that no matter the circumstances it wasn't your fault. No matter how long ago, there is help and healing for all.

Reference:

 Zabin, A. (2003). Conversations with a pedophile. Fort Lee, NJ: Barricade Books.  

Hannah, Ruth and a Wedding Ring

Its funny how a day can start off so ordinary, and end anything but. I had a conversation with a friend recently, just small talk during which she mentioned her wedding rings had been stolen. I felt God tell me, "Give her your wedding ring." I thought to myself, "No God, thats silly. Why would she want my ring?". And then I felt it again. "Give her your ring." At this point I had decided to quit arguing and just obey. I told my friend that I wanted to give her my ring and made plans to bring it to church the next day.

Sunday morning I woke up and tucked my engagement ring into my purse. I know it is silly, but while I was excited to give my ring to a friend I dearly love, it was also a bit of a sentimental moment. I wore that ring from 2007-2013. Through my engagement, marriage and in the 18 months of separation during which I stood for restoration. But I felt it was important to do what I had been asked, even if I didn't quite understand.

I gave my friend the ring before our second church service started, hugged her and told her she was loved and I hope that she enjoyed the ring. I even joked that I was happy it was going to a good home. I went off to teach my Sunday school class and didn't give it a second thought. During my Sunday school class, we discussed the story of Hannah and her desire to have a baby.

"12 As she was praying to the Lord, Eli watched her. 13 Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking. 14 “Must you come here drunk?” he demanded. “Throw away your wine!”

15 “Oh no, sir!” she replied. “I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord. 16 Don’t think I am a wicked woman! For I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.”

17 “In that case,” Eli said, “go in peace! May the God of Israel grant the request you have asked of him.”

18 “Oh, thank you, sir!” she exclaimed. Then she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad.

1st Samuel 1:12-18

Our class focused in on the fact that she poured out her heart to God, she was assured He had heard her, and she went in peace. This was such an interesting concept to me. I have been praying that God would bring me a husband one day. Now that my former husband has remarried, I feel like God is allowing me to do so, but I want to make sure it is the right person. So in my prayers, I have always contemplated at what point do I stop praying and start trusting?

At this point class was over and I went along my normal routine. I picked up the boys and said hello to friends in the hall. I was helping Chase put his shoe on when a young woman approached me and asked if I was Pastor Ron's daughter. She carried a baby and was followed by a husband. I am involved in several ministries in church, so I assumed my father had directed her to me in regard to one of those. But that was not the case.

This sweet woman began by saying that while she did not know me, she knew my father and my story. This was not a surprise to me, while I do not talk about my past, I do not hide it either. She then continued in telling me that God had put me on her heart over the past month. That she had been praying for me. And that God had asked her to tell me something about three weeks ago but that she had been shy because she did not know me. But today she decided to obey. 

"God asked me to remind you about the story of Ruth and Boaz. Of the kinsmen redeemer. He is going to do that for you. I know that He can, because He did it for me."

She shared a brief bit of her history, and at this point she and I both were crying there in the church lobby. I told her about how I had just an hour ago given away my engagement ring, given away the last bit of what I had been holding on to. We shared a hug and she walked away. I really felt in that moment that God had heard me. He had seen me. He had answered. And I felt peace.

Funny how in the act of obeying and giving up the last piece of my former marriage that I had been keeping, allowed me to hear a beautiful message of hope for the future.

The Blessing of Suffering?

Does Anything Good Really Come From Our Suffering?

The topic of suffering is something that has been on my heart lately. It has been in the form of watching a friend desperately pray for healing for his son, after countless surgeries and millions of dollars spent, with still no answer in sight. Or as is in the news currently, the unfolding story of an airline pilot who made the choice to end his life, along with all of the passengers on his flight. Suffering is all around us, and no one escapes from this reality. But what is the point? Is there a point? 

Those of you who know me know that I am just about finished with my two bachelor degrees, in Psychology and Crisis/Trauma counseling. Helping people heal from the suffering that they have endured is a passion of mine. But I think it is necessary that we take a look at our own theology of suffering. What do we believe about it? How does this relate to us? In one of my last classes, I was required to write a paper on that topic. I concluded that there can be blessing found in the suffering, but I understand that this is not how everyone may feel. What follows is just a brief look into that paper, as I have been attempting to work through what I really believe about suffering. 

I am not saying I have all the answers, because that is far from the truth. And I'm not saying that I don't still struggle with this topic because I do. Some times I have no words for someone who is walking through trauma, because the truth is words aren't enough to help. What I have learned is that we all need Jesus, and we have to trust that even when we don't understand, that He has a plan, He is good, He can be trusted, and we are loved.

If you would like an opportunity to ease someones suffering, consider donating to my friend Bruces gofundme account. His son Gavin is in need of healing, and is the one I reference above.

Bruce and Gavin

What follows is an excerpt from a school paper of mine. All content is my original thoughts, unless otherwise cited.)

Suffering seems to be a universal truth that has existed from the beginning of time. This is easily evidenced by the countless examples that can be found in history books as well as the steady stream of bad news delivered daily by the news stations. One cannot live long in this world without experiencing some form of suffering in their own lives, or in that of their loved ones or communities. It is natural then for everyone to ask at some point, what is the point of suffering? And for those who believe in God, to question why He allows such pain. So if it is inevitable that suffering occurs, in what forms is this experienced and from what place does this suffering come from. Does God allow it? Or are His power, love and knowledge of our plight here on earth some how limited (Alcorn, 2010)? These are difficult questions that this paper will take a look at, while at the same time being aware that there are some questions that will never be answered on this side of eternity.

Suffering

To define the word ‘suffering’, all one needs to do is visit a dictionary. As is read in Webster’s dictionary, suffering is defined as, “pain that is caused by injury, illness, loss, etc.: physical, mental, or emotional pain” (Webster, 2003). But to simply have head knowledge on the topic is not enough. Heart knowledge is needed, as without empathy the world will never be changed. The author of this paper is not attempting to discount the need for education on this topic, on the contrary. Education is vitally important and the avenues of training and how people can be helped are expanding every day, and should be continued to be pursued intensely. But knowing about suffering and having actually suffered are two different things. Knowledge about suffering will not comfort the mother who has just lost her child in a horrific way. This is why counseling those who are suffering cannot be done in a purely clinical way. People need to know that they cared about and that at some level are understood in the pain they are experiencing.

What is the point of suffering?

When people think of the word suffering, it can mean many different things based on ones location in the world, socioeconomic state, and perhaps even ones maturity level. There have been many occasions in which someone has stated that they are suffering, due to not having coffee in the morning, or perhaps due to a poor work relationship with their boss. That is not the type of suffering that is being discussed in this paper. Rather, what is being discussed here is what does one tell a child who has lost their entire family in a tsunami and is now orphaned on the street? How does a father make sense of it when his daughter is ripped from his arms and sold into sex slavery? If one were to look at this from a purely secular position, the outlook would be quite grim. It is easy to see why people feel that suffering exists, and yet no good comes from it, nor is there a purpose for it. If the view is that there is no Creator, no divine plan and no great love for mankind, then suffering truly is pointless and a depressing fact of life. If this is one viewpoint that can be held, then what is the alternative? The answer to that is simply, Christ.   

If God is all-powerful, then why suffering?

This paper will be written with the understanding that the author holds to and believes in the fact that God is all-powerful and all loving. He can do anything that He wills, and He cares with an intense value for His creation (Zacharias & Vitale, 2014). So if all of this is true, then why does all of humanity still suffer? One could suggest that the answer is love. While this may seem like a completely contradictory statement, perhaps upon further investigation it will become clearer.

Charles Stanley has proposed that there are three places from which suffering originates. These would be, “because of God, a result of sin, or because of our adversary the devil (Stanley, 1989).” If suffering occurs because of ones own sin or the sin of another, or because of some type of spiritual warfare, it is still painful but easier to understand. Unfortunately, suffering because evil is a reality is simply an experience that is faced by every human (Zacharias & Vitale, 2014). To suggest that God could cause or allow suffering however, is a hard statement to accept, but it requires that the reader return to their original two beliefs. If it is known that God is all loving and all-powerful, then it must be believed that the suffering He allows mankind to experience is for a purpose. In Psalms 103:13-17 it says,

“13 The LORD is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. 14 For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. 15 Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die.

16 The wind blows, and we are gone—as though we had never been here. 17 But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him. (New Living Translation, 1996).”

From this scripture two things are evident. Gods loving and compassionate nature are again reaffirmed, and how quickly a humans life is over in the view of eternity. If God did not create mankind to solely exist on earth, then the conclusion must be reached that what is far more important is where we spend eternity.

Suffering reveals a need for Christ

            If mankind were able to go through out life here on earth without ever experiencing any sort of trials, then what need would they have for Christ? If they were to never to go through heartache, loss, rejection or pain, then perhaps those people would not think they had a need for a Savior. But as is seen in the scripture, God loves His creation too much to allow that to happen. And so He allows trials and suffering to enter into their world to point the way to Him and their great need for Him. The eternal destiny of those He loves is important enough to Him that He would allow them to suffer, so that they would turn to Him. So it is through the suffering that is experienced in this world, that people find their dependency for God as He is the reason mankind exists and has purpose. Without Christ, nothing else matters. Ben Stuart is able to paint a beautiful picture of this in his book This Changes Everything,

            “This is the greatest gift that trials can give. They teach us to release our insane

grip on that which will not last, and they beckon us to grip onto the One who endures forever. As we look up, we realize that there will be an end to this trouble. God has made glorious promises to us and we can cling to them in times of trouble. All of this pain will end and a glorious future awaits those who trust in Him. (Stuart, 2013).”

Beauty from Ashes

            Something that many people fail to recognize that trials or tragedy, which bring suffering in the beginning, typically have a way of working out for the benefit of that person or others. The birth of a child, or the renewal of a forest after fires are several instances in where good can come from pain (MacDonald, 2010). One of the ultimate examples would be that of the crucifixion of Christ.  It is easy for someone who is in the midst of a trial to question why God has not done anything to ease the suffering of the world but the truth is that He has. Mankind rebelled and introduced sin into the world, there by condemning all to a life filled with suffering.  In order to make a way for mankind to be able to live with Christ in all of eternity, He sent His son to earth to provide the necessary sacrifice for us. Jesus felt overwhelming sadness while he was in the last few hours before His crucifixion. He even told His disciples that His “ soul is crushed with grief to the point of death (Matthew 26:38, NLT).” He was arrested, mocked and beaten relentlessly, after which He went to the cross where He hung for six hours. That is how much He showed His love for the world (Alcorn, 2010).  There has been some debate as to why Jesus did not simply hang on the cross for six seconds or even six minutes but instead He stayed on the cross for six hours. One can view it as that Jesus is fully able to empathize with the suffering of mankind because He too experienced suffering that did not end as quickly as He would have liked it to. And because Jesus is God, God has also experienced this suffering (Alcorn, 2010). So confident in the fact that Christ has experienced even more suffering then mankind ever will, that He paid the highest price possible, those who suffer can be confident that Christ truly understands. And because of the sacrifice that Christ made, the very heart of the problem of evil and suffering has been addressed (Alcorn, 2010). While humanity may never truly understand suffering and the purposes behind it, one thing can be known for sure. That Jesus willingly entered into this world of evil and suffering and did not spare himself. Because He has endured the worst for the sake of His creation, He is able to be trusted even when it may not make sense (Alcorn, 2010).

References

Alcorn, R. (2010). If God is good why do we hurt? Colorado Springs, Colo.: Multnomah Books.

 Feeding America; feeding America food banks ready for hurricane irene. (2011). Food Weekly News, , 23

Garzon, F., Worthington,Everett L.,,Jr, & Tan, S. (2009). Lay Christian counseling and client expectations for integration in therapy. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 28(2), 113-120.

 Holy Bible: New Living Translation. (1996). Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House.

 MacDonald, J. (2010). When life is hard. Chicago, IL: Moody.

Qingyun, Z., & Yi, J. (2008). HIGH-RESOLUTION RADAR DATA ASSIMILATION FOR HURRICANE ISABEL (2003) AT LANDFALL. Bulletin Of The American Meteorological Society, 89(9), 1355-1372.

Sebastian E. Heath, Philip H. Kass, Alan M. Beck, and Larry T. Glickman

Human and Pet-related Risk Factors for Household Evacuation Failure During a Natural Disaster , Am. J. Epidemiol. (2001) 153 (7): 659-665 doi:10.1093/aje/153.7.659

 Stanley, C. (1989). How to handle adversity. Nashville: Oliver-Nelson.

Stuart, B. (2013). This changes everything, lessons from James. Nashville, TN: Young Adult Ministry Publishing.

Webster, I. (2003). Merriam-Webster's collegiate dictionary (11th ed.). Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster.

 Zacharias, R., & Vitale, V. (n.d.). Why suffering?: Finding meaning and comfort when life doesn't make sense.

Broken Bones.

Someone asked me today, "Do you think it is possible to completely heal from divorce?". 

Well. To be honest this is something I have wondered myself. As I look back on the past three years (18 months of separation with some back and forth and now nearing 16 months divorced) I can say that yes, I am healed from my divorce. I no longer cry myself to sleep every night. I am able to laugh and dance and have joy in my life. I have gotten to the point to where I have forgiven and given it to God (and even become friendly with his new wife!). I no longer longingly look back at the past, or pray for marriage restoration.

But every once in awhile I get sad. Its not every day, in fact its not even every month. But when I see my children drive off with their dad and his new wife, I ache. That was supposed to be us, you see. The four of us, driving happily away to some grand adventure. But its not. When I visit the house where we lived for those five years, where we brought home our babies and we laughed and made memories, its hard for me to forget the last time we were there together. How I sat on the couch, crying and asking him to stay, holding our tiny babies, as he kissed them goodbye and turned and walked out the door. 

So yes, I am healed. God does that after all, if you give Him the pieces. But I still ache sometimes. I think perhaps I always will. And thats ok.

God reminded me today, of when a bone is broken and then mends. They always mend. And they are always stronger at the place where they were broken. But you know what? Some times when a storm blows in, or rain is nearby, that bone aches. Its healed yes, but it aches.

This ache may always show up during situations. But what it also reminds me is that I have a faithful God and I have made it through a broken heart. Stronger now, and able to empathize with others who ache.