It's such an uncomfortable topic isn't it? To ever imagine the unthinkable happening to children...any children...our children...my children. The topic alone is enough to make me want to close my laptop, turn off the light and cuddle up to my sleeping four year old, and thank God that it has not happened to either of my boys (ages 7&4). But God doesn't call us to live sanitary, comfortable lives. This is something that can not be ignored, because to ignore the topic of sexual abuse is to put our own children in very real danger.
I sense that God has been moving me more and more into a position to fight this evil. To bring healing to men and women who have suffered abuse with Gods power and help. Not on my own strength, that is very evident. But through the people I am meeting, the classes I am taking in school, and the books and documentaries I have been studying. And so here are my thoughts, on the book "Conversations With A Pedophile". It was written by a therapist named Dr. Amy Zabin, and is a collection of the letters, phone calls and in person meetings that she had with one individual for over ten years, who in the book is named "Alan". He was caught after almost 45 years of sexually assaulting children, all boys between the ages of 5-13, and it is estimated that they number over 1,000.
I want to stop here and make sure that it is clear that I will do my best to keep this blog post as "comfortable" as possible. But the topic is one that can be very disturbing so I want to offer that warning here. The following thoughts are all in my own words, but are based off of my reading of the book I have previously mentioned. I will also use the language of pedophile and "he" but it should be remembered that child abusers are not limited to men.
This book is unlike any other that I have read, in that what really goes on in the mind of a pedophile is exposed. What caught me completely off guard was the fact that "Alan" began to offend against younger children at the age of 6 years old. He was not sexually abused but describes his home life as one that was completely devoid of love or attention. This is not to say that all children who come from this background grow up to become like him, but merely that he accredits this to his feeling of being alone and "different".
I will not get into an entire review of the book, but anyone who I am friends with is welcome to borrow my copy. I will give the warning however, that it is very shocking, jarring and offensive to read. It contains letters from "Alan" describing how he groomed these young boys, and even the atrocities that he committed in some cases. It also explores the background of the author, Dr. Amy Zabin, and talks about her own sexual abuse as a child. There are a few chapters in the back that are very helpful for parents to read and that is mostly what I will cover here.
A pedophile does not simply grab a child and commit an offense. He spends months grooming a child, by stripping them of self respect, trust, and the ability to say no. Read that sentence again. The pedophiles goal is to get your child to the point where they truly believe that they have no power to say no.
In the book, "Alan" would slowly gain the friendship and trust of children and their parents, to where it became completely normal for him to have excuses to spend time alone with them. As a boy scout leader, baby sitter and friend of the children's parents, the way he manipulated the situation is completely mind-blowing. In instance after instance the he recounts, he explains how he would get the church, community and parents to actually get to the point to where they begged him to lead the boy scout group, or be involved in the youth group or as a baby sitter. These offenders will go to any length to get what they want, and to make the parents believe that he is completely harmless.
"Alan" explains his process completely in the book. It is sickening to read and to think that there are people like this out there. But there are, and they are the people you would least expect. It could be the deacon at your church, the english teacher at your kids school, your sons boy scout leader, or an older child in your neighborhood. This is not to say that anyone who is in a position of leader ship should not be trusted. I just want to stress that someone who is in a position of leader ship should not be trusted ONLY because they are in a position of leadership. I read in the news this week of a pediatric oncologist in Houston who was arrested a few days for possession of child pornography. As parents we need to be vigilant in who is around our kids and in our gut feelings. If we feel uncomfortable with something, we have every right and responsibility to take the action we feel necessary. I would rather appear completely over protective than blindly trust someone and regret it.
With all of this information, what do we do? How do we protect our children?
I am going to share what I do with my own children, and this is not a perfect "how to keep your kids safe" list by any means. These are simply the things that I have picked up on by being a mother and by studying what I do in school.
1. My kids have a very limited number of friends at who's house they are allowed to play at with out me present. I believe this list is three people. Any other time (and truthfully most of the time I am at the friends house with them.) I also have a very limited number of people who are allowed to babysit.
2. If my kids are playing outside in the front yard, they are in my sight at all times. Yes it's inconvenient. Yes it's hot. But 99% of the evenings, you will see my kids playing in our yard and me sitting on the porch, doing homework or watching them.
3. My kids are not allowed to play with children I do not know well. If we are at the park I make sure to keep a close eye on what is going on and what is being said.
4. My children do not attend any kind of lesson, class or practice where they are simply dropped off. Kung fu summer camp? Mommy sits there for three hours. Horse back riding lesson? Mommy is in the barn. Piano lessons? Mommy is standing in the hallway watching. I may be accused of being over protective and I am ok with that. Even at church where my older son is dropped off with someone who is not family, there is always myself or another family member stopping in unexpectedly, and asking questions.
5. I completely monitor the tv, computer and games that my kids watch. They already know what few shows are allowed on tv, what few games are allowed in the house, and what website they are allowed on. (The computer is also kept in the living room, where all who walk by can see and hear what is going on.) Any deviation from what is allowed and they lose those privileges for the day. They hear the phrase often, "Its mommy's job to keep your ears and eyes safe".
6. As a single parent, there are times when my kids are spending the night with their father. We have had hour long conversations (he moves frequently) about who lives there, what friends come around and what activities are normally occurring. Their father does an excellent job of keeping them safe, and has educated himself on the topic of sexual abuse and how to prevent it.
7. My kids don't have sleep overs and most likely never will. Im sorry but there are too many variables there and I don't feel it is in their best interest. You never know when someone has an uncle, cousin or older friend also spending the night. Unfortunately there is also the fact that children who are abused tend to abuse others. In order to prevent any of that, we just don't do sleepovers.
8. Because of all of the above mentioned, I make sure our house is a super fun place to be, and I try to (as much as possible) have the boys friends play at our house. This is why we have monkey bars in the bedroom, a climbing wall, a swimming pool and two trampolines. I am very strict with them but I still want them to have fun. Plus by having the boys at my house, I am free to listen in on any conversations going on. We also have a rule that bedroom doors stay open at all times.
9. I think the biggest thing that we can do for our children is to listen to them. Every night ( well most every night) I ask the boys about their days. "What made you happy/sad/mad/scared today? Tell me about your favorite thing to do. Is there any thing you wish you could change etc." In the book this is the number one suggestion they give about keeping our children safe.
"Alan" states, "I targeted victims who clearly showed that their communications network was failing them. I did this because I knew that in the pain and confusion of their abuse, they would have nowhere to turn for help. I knew that because I'd been there and stayed there. If parents can provide the same sounding board that I offered, then the children would have no possible need for the magic I sell. If a child feels accepted, respected, wanted and listened to at home, nothing I have to offer will prove appealing (Zabin,2003)."
10. And finally, I have and continue to have "the talk" with my kids about bad touch, who is allowed to see them with out clothing (mommy, daddy and their nana and thats it) and how they can tell me if anything ever happens and mommy won't get angry. I make sure to keep this as a dialogue and not just a one time event. I will ask them occasionally if anyone has done something that made them feel funny or uncomfortable. Bottom line, I want to keep the lines of communication open.
So there you have it. I know it was very long and I know it didn't cover much at the same time. If anyone ever wants to discuss this topic please contact me. And if you yourself have been a victim, please know that no matter the circumstances it wasn't your fault. No matter how long ago, there is help and healing for all.
Reference:
Zabin, A. (2003). Conversations with a pedophile. Fort Lee, NJ: Barricade Books.
Great post Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteThank you.
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